Finding Awareness

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi

Killing Me Softly

on 02/25/2014

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It’s been a long time since I went to yoga.
And by a long time I mean, about 8 months.
It started off with the shoulder injury, I couldn’t “yoga” while it was hurt (but I tried.)
Then it was the house purchase and all my time was taken up with that.
Then it was school – I started taking 12 hours of class (instead of the 9 I had been taking) and it was kicking my butt.

So yoga just fell further and further by the way side.

Now, I’m 20 pounds heavier  and I’m afraid to go back.

Since I left, the studio has moved into a new facility and I will be completely “new” all over again.
It was hard enough to for me to walk in that door the first time. 
I’m afraid of walking in it for the second time.

I’m embarrassed at being gone so long.
I’m embarrassed at having gained 20 pounds of weight back.
I’m embarrassed that I can barely bend over, much less do a chatarunga. 

It’s that fear and embarrassment that is keeping me mired in my misery.

I keep telling myself, “This is the night! This is the night I go back.”
And then I find yet another excuse to stay home.

Maybe this is the week it happens.
In the meantime, the fear and embarrassment is killing me. 

 

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6 responses to “Killing Me Softly

  1. Andrea Leber says:

    Yoga is for everyone! Do you know Anna Guest-Jelley (www.curvyyoga.com)? Maybe there’s a class near you!

  2. Kitteh says:

    Andrea,
    Thanks for your comment. I follow Anna’s blogs and Facebook religiously. :)
    I’m lucky to have a studio near me that is wonderful and relaxed and accepting of all types.
    It’s only my own fears and embarrassment that is holding me back right now.
    I have to get past that, somehow!

    Kitteh

  3. I was and am having the same feelings about bellydancing. I stopped a couple of years ago, because of surgery, and then my teacher fell off the map, and then there weren’t any classes close, and then…and then…and then. So now, 3 years later, I am slowly dipping back into it, but I still have the little voices that don’t say nice things and the little fears that make the couch so much more comfortable than it should be. Hopefully, I’ll find the supportive community again and it’ll be louder than the little voices and more comfy than the couch.

  4. ulrichvb says:

    It’s the same stuff that keeps us all from going back. (In my case to the gym). We made good progress and due to life we back slid, now we have to make up all this ground we lost.

    The only thing holding you back is you, you know if you go back you’ll feel better. Do it! You owe it to yourself!

    And I’ll get back on my elliptical!

  5. sayre says:

    You’re not the only one whose life has gotten in the way of a goal. Go back and if you have to, start all the way over. If you love it, which I think you do, you’ll be glad you did.

  6. Kitteh says:


    I’m going tonight. Deep Stretch class at 6 and guided meditation class at 7:30. I have no excuses. I feel fine (other than my stomach butterflies because I’m nervous about going back), all my homework is caught up, Charles will be at the gym, the house is semi-clean and the weather is permitting. So yeah, I’m going.

    Now what to do about this “I’m gonna throw up” feeling. ha…

    Ulrich – that means YOU have to get back on the elliptical!

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