Pantyliners are from HELL! “Feminine Topic”- Boys, you have been warned!

Okay ladies, let’s talk pantyliners.

You know……that shelf in the back of the Wal-Mart, half hidden by the toothpaste and deodorant aisle?   The shelf that contains no less than 75 different versions of a pantyliner or pad.

Light Days, Heavy Days, Medium Days, Scented, Unscented, with wings , without wings, long, extra long , “oh my god you’re a mutant” long………..Carefree, OB, Playtex, Generic (eww!), Kotex, Always, Alldays…….. augh!

Hell, I’ve been having my period for 24 some years and even *I’M* intimidated by that shelf!

Flashback more than a year ago:    My ex-husband was freaked out because his 13 year old daughter was going to be visiting and he realized that she might, just MIGHT, start her period at some point and that might happenwhile she was staying with us. (Holy menstruating teenage daughter Batman!).   So he did what any responsible dad would do…he asked his WIFE (aka “me”) to pick up “something” for his daughter….”just in case.”

Now let’s get something straight, right now…….  After the week of my first period, which started AT school (of course) when I was in the 7th grade, I have by-passed the pads and pantyliner shelf in favor of the tampon section.    Oh come on……the school nurse gave me a pad that was the size of the fucking Titanic, on that fateful first period day.   I still remember the discomfort of waddling around with a luxury ocean liner lodged between my thighs and thinking “there has got to be something better than this.”     I bought my first box of tampons and never looked back.

So here I am….staring at the “Aisle of never ending Pads” and wondering what the HELL was I supposed to get for this thirteen year old child and I swear I started to hyperventilate at the overwhelming pressure of picking a product!

Granted, I wasn’t alone in my medical condition.  To my right was a seriously freaked out husband who had very obviously fallen for the “Honey, would you grab me some pads” routine that so many wives are prone to inflict upon their spouse. I seriously think it’s a form of emotional warfare that is being perpetuated upon the poor, unsuspecting man, because SHE , the wife, must suffer  cramps, bloating and bleeding for 7 days each month.   I think the woman has an unconscious need to make the man suffer in some way for her menstrual cycle and the best way she can do that is to make him face “THE WALL”…….

As I’m carefully scrutinizing the array of colorful boxes, interesting packaging and variety of shapes and sizes, my eyes fall upon the one thing I never gave thought too:  

		CAREFREE® Thong With Stay-Put Wings Designed especially for use with thong underwear End-to-end adhesive Stay-Put Wings keep the Thong Pantiliner in place

 Well Hell…. if that don’t beat all.

I mean, of COURSE they’ve made a pantyliner for thongs.  Why in the world would I NOT expect that??? Silly me.

 And as I carefully placed a veritible Cornicopia of pad and pantyliner products into my shopping basket (the checkout lady probably thought I was running a Women’s Shelter from the sheer number of boxes I had purchased) I just giggled to myself and thought “Who the HELL would wear a thong during their period????”  

Flashforward to present day:  I’m not giggling about that subject anymore.

Now, now…don’t go getting your knickers in a knot (ha..ha.. I made a funny!).  I’m still not wearing a thong during my period, that’s just icky to me.  Buuuttttt…….. I finally realized the upside to the whole pantyliner concept.

Well, actually…it was kind of forced on me by Victoria’s Secret.  See… I have a hard time finding panties that I think are comfie and attractive on me.  I HATE shopping for panties. I rank that right up there with bra shopping.  Gah!!! Yuck!! Ick!!!

So when I find a panty style that I really like, I tend to buy a lot of them and hold onto them for dear life.   Well, my current FAVE panty style is no longer being sold by Victoria’s Secret……and let’s face it, panties don’t last forever.  They get worn and torn and develop strings (strings that seem to unravel the very fabric of the universe when you pull them) and the elastic finally starts to go.

I don’t want to end up like that guy we all talk about.  You know the one… The guy that has kept his favorite pair of underwear for SO LONG that there is nothing left but the elastic waistband and a few shreds of cloth dangling from it.

Soooo… for the sake of panty longevity, I opted to purchase some pantyliners….for those “feeling not so fresh days”…. you know…   

And thus began the search for the almighty “Comfie Pantyliner”, which involved seeing me walking funny, doing the “butt twitch” “I have a wedgie” dance waaaayyyy too much for public viewing.

WHO is the GOOBER who invented these damn things???     How is a person supposed to walk when she has a wad of stuffing trapped between her thighs and bunching up  in sensitive places with every step I take?

I swear, it’s like some kind of Medieval Torture device.  Screw the Iron Maiden, slap a “Always Ultra-Long, Super Fresh, Maximum Protection, with Wings” Maxipad into their underwear and make them try to walk.

Even better???  Dunk them in water and watch that bad boy absorb enough liquid to create a second Red Sea (ha..ha.. I made another funny) and THEN tell them they have to walk “normally”.   Yeah, they’ll confess to having murdered the Dinosaurs before they can take 10 steps.

Seriously though….who thought that taking a rectangular shape and slapping it between a woman’s thighs was ever going to be conducive to normal, every day activity?   And their pathetic attempt at “Body shaped” pads and liners??? Puh-Leeze! 

 CAREFREE^® Body Shape^TM/MC Thin – Flexible and Thin Just Like Panties.

More protection than before Still flexible and thin Ideal for daily freshness Soft fabric cover for greater comfort Contoured shape for a better fit Flexible and thin End-to-end adhesive to keep the liner in place

 

That teeny, tiny little “curve” that you’ve added might work on Kate Moss, but that’s only because she HAS NO THIGHS.   The space below her crotch, where her legs meet her body, is shaped like a fucking “square” because she has sticks for legs. 

Normal women have thighs that usually at least “touch” if not out and out RUB together when they walk, sit, or even just stand.  So take your stupid little “curve” and shove it where the sun don’t shine!!!!

But…..yes, I say buuuuttt…….  as the two brain cells inside my head start rubbing together I have an idea…….. if the majority of my discomfort is coming from the last 4 inches of that damnable pantyliner…perhaps… just perhaps there IS a solution.

Enter..much to my shame… the aforementioned “Thong Pantyliner”.  Yep, as much as I hate to admit it, as much as it shames me to tell you this…….  I have found that stupid little thong pantyliner is the most fucking comfortable pantyliner in the world!    Sans….wearing it with a thong though….. Nope….slap that little bad boy inside a regular pair of panties and I am OFF TO THE RACES… I’m can walk, I can skip, I can leap tall buildings in a …no wait……that’s not right.

My point being:    A thong pantyline + regular panties = comfie every day activity and extended lifetime of favorite panties.

It’s a win / win situation.   YAY!!!!!!!

For you boys who actually read this and are now at the end of my diatribe I say

“#1)  why the HELL did you read all this?  and

#2)  Next time you are faced with the aisle of DOOM, buy the Carefree Thong pantyliner (uhh…for light days only, btw) and tell your gal “but I read it on a blog and she said they were really comfortable”

ha..ha.ha… yeah…see how that goes for ya and get back to me!

Kitty out!!