Finding Awareness

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi

The “Box”

I have in my possession a box. This box holds what few memories I chose to keep while growing up. It has traveled with me for years and I’ve gone a decade without actually opening. 

So, I pulled out “The Box” to dig around for writing ideas for one of my classes. It was as I pulled each scrap of dot matrix printed paper out, each unicorn adorned notebook and each faded ink scribble that I found the letter.

OH MY GOD.

It’s the letter I wrote to myself in 1988 with the envelope informing me, “Open April 19, 1998.”

I thought this letter had been lost years ago!  I had thought about it often and always wondered what happened to it.

All I can say is that it was meant to be found NOW and not back in 1998.

I opened it up and read it outloud to Charles. 
Let me tell you, it was very sad, the things I had to say to  my future self.
But what is really cool is how everything I wished for my future self in 1998 (when it comes to love, at least) has totally come true; but in 2014 instead.

The line that struck me the most, “Sometimes I get so lonely that I want to sleep with somone just to have a warm body near.Beause I know that, even in that short time, someone wants me for something.” 

I was 17 when I wrote that letter, living in my car, and trying to graduate High School. I didn’t date. I wasn’t popular. I was pretty much the person you never actually noticed. (Like a Gray Man in Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series!)

Talk about taking a walk down memory lane.  

 

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Killing Me Softly

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It’s been a long time since I went to yoga.
And by a long time I mean, about 8 months.
It started off with the shoulder injury, I couldn’t “yoga” while it was hurt (but I tried.)
Then it was the house purchase and all my time was taken up with that.
Then it was school – I started taking 12 hours of class (instead of the 9 I had been taking) and it was kicking my butt.

So yoga just fell further and further by the way side.

Now, I’m 20 pounds heavier  and I’m afraid to go back.

Since I left, the studio has moved into a new facility and I will be completely “new” all over again.
It was hard enough to for me to walk in that door the first time. 
I’m afraid of walking in it for the second time.

I’m embarrassed at being gone so long.
I’m embarrassed at having gained 20 pounds of weight back.
I’m embarrassed that I can barely bend over, much less do a chatarunga. 

It’s that fear and embarrassment that is keeping me mired in my misery.

I keep telling myself, “This is the night! This is the night I go back.”
And then I find yet another excuse to stay home.

Maybe this is the week it happens.
In the meantime, the fear and embarrassment is killing me. 

 

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Overachiever

People accuse me of being an overachiever, like it’s a bad thing.
My motto has always been “Why do it later when I can do it now?”
Mostly because there is always something waiting in the wings which needs to be done.

I finish my college assignments right away so I have more time to work on other assignments.

But for that, I’m called an overachiever.

I used to go to yoga 4, maybe 5, times a week.

For that, I was called an overachiever.

When my boss asks me for something I do it right away and, more often than not, I’ve already anticipated what he wants so it is already done.

And for that, I get told “you are such an overachiever.”

At some point it actually starts to hurt my feelings because they say it like it’s such a bad thing, like I’m a bad person for doing things quickly.

I know it’s silly to get my feelings hurt, but for some reason, people seem to think saying something like this (over and over again) shouldn’t bother me.

I don’t see why it is so wrong for me to work ahead and/or work quickly.  If I didn’t do this, I’d never get anything done!

Like I said, there is always something waiting in the wings. Housework, for example. There is always laundry or dishes or cooking or mopping, etc. to take care of. If I let one task sit then the next task gets behind and so on and so forth and suddenly it has all snowballed to the point where you are in over your head and don’t know how to climb out of the hole you’ve dug yourself into.

So, I’m an overachiever. But I wish people would stop saying it like it is an accusation instead of a compliment.

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It’s not me, it’s you.

Yes, I’m an overachiever.

Yes, I turn in my assignments early.

Yes, I freak out if I get less than an A.

But that doesn’t make me a bad person, it just means I take this college thing seriously!

I think I’ve got everything mapped out to the point I can graduate next May (2015) with my BA in Professional  & Technical Writing.
I gave up the Business degree because, the more I got to know the people at the Business College, the more I realized I was not a good fit with them. (aka: they are mostly assholes and egomaniacs and that’s not my business style)

I don’t there is anything in the books which says I can’t own a business w/o a business degree. Hell, I’ve got enough personal experience to handle things just fine (better than that – handle things well, even!) Oh, and not treat my employees like shit! (crazy idea, I know)

The overachiever in me is already planning on getting my Masters in PT&W and I’d like to get a degree in Information Quality (computer related) because it would make me even more desired in the job market.

One of the things I WISH I could do is get my PT&W degree, walk into my boss’s office and say “I quit.”  Sadly,  a degree does not mean a job, so I’ll just have to keep dreaming of that day. :)

 

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I’m only mostly dead! I’m feeling better!

Yeah…yeah, it’s been FOREVER since I posted. Hey, life has been busy and most of my writing has been focused on essays, disscusion topics and term papers.  Blech….that part of college really sucks. And I hear getting a Master or Doctorate is worse.

Seriously – 40 students in U.S. History to 1877 and all of us are given the same prompt to write about. Which, in turn, means 40 people writing pretty much the same damn thing. It’s hard to be original when you are given so little to work with. It gets soooooo boring. 

Anyhoo – a few things of note:

Almond milk gives me TERRIBLE GAS. I’m talking “had to roll down the windows in the car” foulness. 
I was trying to up my vitamin intake but I hate milk (unfortunate incident involving chugging cold milk while overheated = projectile vomiting. Did you know milk CURDLES when it hits your stomach? Yeah, I didn’t either – until then. eww)

So yeah, almond milk is right out.  I might try soymilk, but I’ve heard it produces the same effect.

So there you have it. No posts in almost a year and the first one I give you is about farting.

That’s my life. You gotta love it! 

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